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My Valentines Day Massacre

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Ahhhh Valentines day, a day we show a deep love and appreciation for our significant other, our crush, our secret admirer, or a general love for our friends and family. This love is typically shown with cards or gifts (which only started happening around the 1850's), and now 25% of all card sales for the year are done on this day. As legend has it, St. Valentine was a priest who was in the disfavor of Roman Emperor Claudius II around 270 AD. Claudius thought that bachelors made better soldiers so he banned marriages, however, St. Valentine continued to marry people anyway. Breaking these rules landed St. Valentine in prison and eventually he was given a death sentence, and here is where my story comes in, my Valentine's Day death sentence. careful now



I was up late the previous night, up until 4am in fact, working on something that I will mention later on, so I was tired the morning of Valentine's Day. I woke up around 6 something, so a solid two hours of sleep had put my mind into a bit of a haze. I hadn't thought much about Valentine's day, rather, I thought about how it was originally on February 15th and how it was moved to the 14th in 496 as a Christian Feast, regardless, I could have used that extra day. I started working off my phone quickly and then drove my daughter to school with a pan of 28 home made cupcakes for Valentine's Day. Damn! Even my daughter has set the bar high for myself, I thought. As I work through the schedule of my day, trying to catch up and never getting there, I get a text message from my wife.

"Excited to be done work today", the text says. 

"You're excited to be done work everyday", I reply, somehow hoping she would forget, unlikely as it is. 

"I know but today is special ;)", yep, I had a feeling she might say that. 

"Oh yes that's right!" I reply. 

"Did you see what Mike did?", was her response, now Mike is a good buddy of mine who I had actually played hockey with the night before. I quickly find his wife's Facebook profile and see that she posted a pic of all the great stuff Mike left everyone before heading off to work. The bastard! There were 2 guys rules broken here, #1 always disclose your plans to your friends so they know what to expect and #2 never do it that early in the morning, you have a whole day, this shows in turn that you had planned this out in advance, while many of us are looking for store hours hoping that we can get something before they close. 

So now my motor is running, I had to run down to a place that sells store supplies which was right by a Costco, man's life-raft. So as I get into Costco I start looking around, I can't buy anything too big because I actually have my car filled up with so much stuff from the supply store that I'm sure we could have made a million "that's what she said" jokes, they threw in a free camping chair. Anyway, I'm looking around and what do I see! Avacado oil on sale, $3 off, so I grab two of 'em........... OK, that was for me but I come out of there with some shoes, roses, a new shower head, some Kinder eggs, stick book and a bunch of free samples, yum. As I proceed to make my way home I get a call from my brother. 

"So what funny thing are you writing on a cake this year?" Every year I usually put a funny saying on a cake and I totally forget, so I simply just hang up the phone like it was a telemarketer and rip to Dairy Queen of course. Heart cake, perfect! Write this on it please:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Let's Get Fatter

Just me and You"

I rushed home with about an hour until my wife came home from work. I thought to cut the roses first and put in the plant food, well as I uncovered the roses some of the pedals and leaves seems to fall a bit, not wanting it to be anything less than perfect I grabbed my daughters glue stick and proceeded to glue this picturesque bouquet back into its perfect form.

I opened up the freezer to put the ice cream cake inside but in turn noticed that my wife had also gotten an ice cream cake for the occasion. I took a moment to fantasize about using 2 spoons to eat both cakes then headed towards the freezer in the garage.  Next was onto the showerhead. 

I ran upstairs to change the shower head, not using instructions of course, I proceed to unscrew the current shower head. I quickly come to the realization that I'm not only taking off the shower head but the entire pipe that is going into the wall. Holding the shower head and plumbing pipe in my hand, I figured that it would have been just too easy for me to take off the shower head itself. I screw the pipe back into whatever is on the other side of the wall and pray it won't leak. I affixed the new shower head onto the plumbing pipe, tightened it up and went on my way to work on the aesthetics of my gifts.

Runner's check. Cake check. Shower head check. Chocolates check (mini-eggs, I ate all the poison ones first so it was open). Roses check. Everything is perfect, that picture Mike put up cost me about $200 but I think I picked up my game. 

I see her coming up to the doorway, so I do what every man would do, I hide so I can scare her. After scaring here, we greet with some Happy Valentine's Day and I follow up with.

"Why don't you go take a shower", well mistake #1, apparently this implies that she stinks, which wasn't received as well as I would have hoped it to be. While she is showering, however, I noticed that the floor was wet, looking to the shower head I instantly realized that I forgot thread tape, mistake #2, so the floor was getting a nice little wash as well. After realizing this I thought it best to maybe just leave the shower head off for now, mistake #3, and essentially shower by garden hose is how that ended. 


That is OK though, I had a few tricks left up my sleeve, I went to go and grab the cake to save the day. So every year I go hunting, all the deer meat I get I put in the freezer in the garage, I haven't got a deer for 2 years now......... see where this is going??? Mistake #4........ yea it wasn't plugged in, ice cream cake soup, I didn't even realize it because I was in such a rush. Fear not, I grabbed the Runner's told her the cake had a clever saying on it using the word "fatter" and passed her some running shoes, I guess using "fatter" instead of "fat" insinuated perhaps that we already are fat.......... Mistake #5. 

My son's bed isn't big enough for both of us..... he slept on the floor. 

In the end everything that went wrong seemed to go wrong but that's OK. I'm very lucky to spend time with my family, to celebrate a day of love with the ones that mean the most to me, so regardless of how bad the day went I still came out the winner. Also when my son was eating his breakfast in the morning he sat in the camping chair so someone appreciates a good thing. 

Coming back to why I was up at 4am the previous night, we launched a new fat burner in store, one that is absolutely perfect for Valentine's Day! It's called Blaze, and it has amazing benefits, including keeping off Holiday weight gain. You take it when you eat, it essentially stops fat storage from happening and at the same time triggers fat cells to start burning themselves off. It is an amazing product with a ton of other benefits, from cancer prevention to getting healthier skin. Anyone who has made it this far into the blog can try it with a special 10% off coupon and free shipping. 

Use the code "Blazing" for 10% off 



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